We Can Do Better

One day, while visiting a successful job training program in Cincinnati, it was revealed to me the folly of our ways in reference to how we “help” our neighbors in poverty. There was one story, in particular, that highlighted this, and it had little to do with their actual jobs program.

The story was of their holiday programming and how they no longer brought gifts to the homes of the children whose parents were in their jobs program. The reason? Almost every time they brought the gifts, the fathers were not there, instead having gone to the local pub.

Rather than just make a judgement of the fathers, their staff asked why they did not want to be home. The answer, which I will share below, was yet another metaphor for the condescending way we approach those we seek to help.

Angel Trees, “adopting a family," and holiday gift drives:
How we make people feel small by being small, ourselves.

I know there are lots of smiles and lots of gratitude when people receive help during the holiday season. But we need to look beyond that to see the real impact when we make the holidays one more example of treating symptoms while allowing people to live in scarcity and danger all year round.

We need to think about how a father feels when you bring gifts to his children. We need to think about why dads go to local pubs on Christmas Day instead of being at home when you arrive with their children's toys. When they say they don’t want to be at home when you arrive to do what they feel is their responsibility to do, we need to rethink our approach.

We need to think about whether or not we are bringing gifts to people — or taking part in holiday giving — to truly help our neighbors or to feel better about ourselves. There is a deeper humanity we may be missing when we cannot get past the latter in doing the former.

We need to think about what it feels like for families to wait in lines outside in December - that wrap around streets and buildings - just so they can go inside, show multiple IDs, and pick from second-hand gifts or whatever the host agency can throw together. I know some incredibly compassionate people who host those drives, but still, we can do better.

In cities and counties of tremendous abundance and loudly-professed compassion, we make people wait in those long lines in cold weather, supervised closely and checked before they leave so that they don't take too much. And you can bet some official will get a photo op for a few minutes of volunteering there. Or maybe just the photo op.

We need to think about why families try to get as much help as they can during the holiday season, knowing we will all care even less on January 25th, or February 25th.

We need to think about why the same families have been on holiday gift lists for 20 years or more, and why we are doing the same thing to "help" that we did 50 years ago during Christmas and Thanksgiving. Isn’t it time we try to solve these issues instead of making ourselves feel good by doing really small things when really big things are possible.

If you truly want to help, don’t just check off a box on your list, one that will make you feel better about yourself or even one that you think teaches a good life lesson to your kids. It’s not about them and it’s not about you.

If you truly want to help, connect with families directly - or find an organization that will connect you directly - so you can build a relationship that helps families to not need holiday help. Listen as the parents tell you how you can best help them gain greater access to health and employment resources or how you can help them build their professional networks.

The expectation of our neighbors in poverty will likely be that you are only looking to do something small. Surprise them with a bigger commitment.

If you and they decide together that buying gifts during the holiday season is part of how you can be of service long-term, it may be more respectful to get the gifts to the parents in a way where they can put them out themselves, however and whenever they wish to do so. Don't go to their house on Christmas Day and don't try to be the hero of your own story and theirs.

Our neighbors in poverty are living in constant stress and constant danger. We can do better than to make them a part of our warm, fuzzy holiday story.